Hay life, pupunta sana ngayong gabi si allan at si pame kaso yung “friend” ni allan ay tumangging sumama kasi nahihiya daw. Kaya eto, I’m stuck by myself. Nag-zuma ako sandali pero I decided to search na for the tabs para dun sa tugtog namin sa Tuesday.
Pero nalungkot talaga ako na hindi sila natuloy. Napansin ko kasi na I’m becoming more and more grouchy as the days go by. Maybe it’s because of the lack of sunlight, nabuburo na kasi ako dito sa bahay, feeling ko I’m losing touch of reality. Pero ang mas weird, hindi ko alam kung nags-stay ba ako sa bahay dahil wala akong pera or talagang ayaw ko lang talagang lumabas. Hay, ang moda kasi ng buhay ko ay extremes, either mega-gimik o trabaho ako or mega-bum ako sa bahay bihira mangyari yung in-between. Sa bagay, ganun naman talaga trip ko sa buhay, either total emptiness, exhaustion, or depression or ecstasy. Yak, ang sagwa nun a, basta, parang ganun.
Sa ngayon, depressed ako, our family’s situation is in extreme dump, I feel so helpless, and one of my best friends from high school just left for the States and there’s a chance that she won’t be going back here. She even called me in the airport before the boarding time and she told me about how she didn’t have the heart to tell us personally that she may not return if things go well for her there. I didn’t fully absorb it until this morning. When it finally sank in, my stomach did a three-sixty and I was washed over by sadness. I didn’t even say goodbye coz I thought that if I did say that, she may not really come back. I’ve known her for nine years now, and she has become one of the fortresses in my life. Whenever I’m in dire need she’s always just a text or a phone call away. I can’t even remember a time when she neglected my rantings. She is one of the few people I know who can really tell when I’m problematic though I’m doing the best “I’m totally happy and fine” act, titingnan niya lang ako tapos sasabihin niya “Hindi nga Maits?” Then we’d just talk it out over the phone, ym, over coffee or drinking sessions with my other close friends. They’d give me advice and whenever I look at their lives, I’d be totally inspired to have a good life and see how wonderful it has been and how I’m so blessed despite shortcomings. I’m really amazed at how well she can read me. My gulay, chunks are rising up in my throat now. I'll be crying like crazy in few seconds. Huhu, I really miss her.
